She has been sleeping for a long time, but from the ashes of fallen empires, she gently stirs from her slumber and is rising… the True Feminine. Have you seen her? Can you hear her whispering deep within your own soul, beckoning you towards a new dawn of dignified living?
There once was a Goddess who lived in all women, but through ages in the painful dream of separation wherein masculine and feminine components of being appeared divorced from one another and wars raged upon the Earth, her presence has been all but forgotten.
During this time the True Feminine and her ways have rested deep underground in the inner space of the Infinite Being, awaiting their time to come forth once again onto the surface of the planet, when wars within our own psyches would finally be over.
The Divine Feminine resides not just in women, but in all genders, and is in fact unrelated to gender. Women, however, are those who typically have the resolution of this piece as a core element of their personal experience in life, and thus I will speak largely to women for the sake of this article.
The Goddess, the True Divine Feminine, is a force is an all of us. She dwells beyond the immediate surface layer of a shallow life lived in separation from our true nature, deep within the core of our being. She has always been there, never left, we merely buried her.
Coming home to her is a journey of coming home to ourselves; leaving behind the self-enforced exile from our own being and returning again to the truth of our divine nature in wholeness, where all components of our greater self live together in harmony and we can experience once again the reality of Oneness, deeply knowing our instrinsic place in the fabric of life.
Beyond mere pretty words, in this article I will aim to describe what the True Feminine looks like in a lived way, using practical examples, and breaking down some of the dynamics we commonly see where she has not yet emerged in her full glory.
This is never about personally shaming any one individual for having forgotten their true nature, but about unveiling some of the hidden areas around this collective conundrum so that, together, we might bright forth more of the True Feminine’s glory.
Dysfunctionality hiding in plain sight…
The inner truth of the vast power of the feminine, having not been lived for so long, is almost unrecognised in most women. Most are unaware of the dysfunctional patterns that they are living, and many even mistake the dysfunctional for the true. We see examples of this throughout the feminist moment, where victim-consciousness in the name of righteousness has replaced the True Feminine power that the movement attempted to champion in the first place. We also see the false feminine attempting “power over” as a reaction to the feeling of having been victimised, which is actually a distorted masculine expression.
Another aspect of the false feminine in action within movements like this, is where emotions, even when distorted and founded in self-deception or delusion, are valued above all else… (see passage on “Emotionality” vs True Emotion below)
Because of the way patriarchal society has been structured, women have been systematically and socially conditioned to express the false feminine as their dominant modus operandi, even to the point of them not realising this themselves or recognising the very patterning that binds them to what they themselves are trying to flee; and to hide, obscure and suppress True Feminine expression as an act of protectiveness and self-preservation in the face of an outer world that has appeared hostile to them.
This manifests in many different relationship dynamics we encounter in our lives, from family, to friends, colleagues and romantic partnerships, and simply among social circles as a whole. In additional to general relationship dynamics, the wounding of false Sisterhood played out in the ages of patriarchal domination runs very deep, and most women will admit to having felt this in some way in their own experience, and the deep need to heal this wound so that the possibility for true Sisterhood might be experienced.
Women have been taught to compete with each other and to view each other with suspicion and automatic assumption of ulterior motives. This has worked extremely well to keep the spell of patriarchal rule in place, by preventing women from uniting in the type of collaboration that would collapse the whole system in minutes if lived to its full potential. Therefore, it is becoming increasingly vital that each of individually as women clearly identify any remnants of this patterning in ourselves and throughly pull it out by the roots, that we may live our truest capacity unhindered by the societal programming that has sought to subdue our fertile power.
Important to understand, is that although many women display harmful and even toxic bevaviours and attitudes as a result of this age-old conditioning, no single woman is at fault for the whole structure. Rather, the socially-perpetuated structure has affected all women in some way or another. Each are at different stages of prying its sticky claws away from their own hearts and minds – and while that certainly doesn’t mean that unacceptable behaviour should be tolerated, a broader understanding at least allows us to observe all facets of life without judgement (a trait of the True Feminine), rather than condemning what has not yet risen into full expression from its resting place of incubation within…
Let us stand united against the common “enemy” (self-imposed exile from Self), for divided we fall…
The heart of returning to remembrance of the qualities of the True Feminine and taking up the mantle of living them in our lives is the reunificiation with our own inner being, our true authentic nature that is rooted in self-presencing and deep and loving acknowledgement of our own depth of experience, including whatever wounding we may harbour. From there, we are in the empowered position to create Oneness between our inner and outer environments – both of which are us on a larger mystical level, through first being Home for the Self.
Only when we are Home for the Self can we meet life from wholeness, without believing ourselves to be “at the mercy” of external circumstances or experiences, or seeing a distorted version of events in the mirrors of our lives that reflects our self-abandonment, rather than the truth of what we are or of what is really occuring around us…
A core quality of the false feminine is a deep-seated sense of victimhood, and defaulting to feeling victimised, or in some cases even feigning victimhood, as a coping and defence mechanism when feeling threatened or confronted by life.
The root of this is metaphysically-based:
For many ages in previous cosmic cycles of life, the masculine has been dominant. In separation, the masculine is synonymous with outer reality, with inner reality being associated with the feminine. Since masculine and feminine realities have been lived separately, and the masculine (outer life) was dominant cosmically for so many ages, the feminine has been left feeling like a fish out of water; functioning in unfamiliar territory (the masculine’s reality, since she couldn’t live both at once) and standing on perpetually unsure footing.
As masculine and feminine can’t really be seperated, the feminine has had to attempt to live in the masculine’s reality (outer life) exiled from herself. She has lived a shallow existence that is not her true nature. As she was not authentically home in her own reality (inner life), and instead was stuck bouncing between the mirrors of inner and outer, she began to see herself as helpless, when nothing could be further from the truth.
She has had to actually leave herself to survive in the masculine world, since she didn’t have the ability or understanding on how to combine realities up until now, automatically defaulting the sovereign position of being Home for the Self. She has thus felt powerless to be able to control her own destiny, sensing herself as being controllable by the world around her in lieu of authentic sovereignty. Fear and a sense of victimhood are a natural by-product of that.
The feigning of victimhood that is common in women who have not yet awakened the True Feminine within often stems from fear and a very base-level survival program – “if I appear weak, hopefully life won’t hurt me”. The trouble is that living this way is one of the most crushing blows to our own sense of dignity, and it is often self-delivered. It is one of the most empowering choices we can make to refuse to live in this way any longer, and to take up the position of our sovereign divinity, reclaiming our thrones in the deep home of our inner reality and never leaving there again.
It is time to flip the narrative of being powerless victims. Right now, we have the incredible cosmic opportunity to seize our divine capacity to live feminine and masculine simultaneously – bridging inner and outer realities, and engaging our physical lives (including our interactions with others) from the sovereign position of being fully Home for Self – bringing the feminine into the masculine’s world, rather than the other way round. The Goddess rises first. The rest will follow.
Discovering the True Feminine within has been my own journey over the last decade…
I came from a place of deep woundedness and low emotional maturity due to extensive childhood trauma and incredibly poor role models, and have learned over years of self-enquiry, discovery and connection with trusted others who have showed up in my life to discern the difference between what was false in me and what was authentically true, and from there learning to tap into the true on a consistent basis. It has been one of the most freeing and healing processes of my life. I deeply understand both sides of the experience (the disempowered and the empowered side), and know what it feels like to be seemingly trapped in the false, and what a destroyer of diginity it is. I’m passionate about helping other women to reclaim a sense of dignified living that is aptly befitting of the Goddess within.
I have learned that ceasing self-shaming and understanding the phenonemon of the false on a broader, more impersonal scale is absolutely key to the healing process. I have also found that one must “get beneath” the false to find the true, and to that end, sometimes delving into the false in unavoidable; the trick is to just keep moving through without self-judgement until the true is finally uncovered.
Following are two lists of the traits of both false and True Feminine that I’ve uncovered in my own explorations. Perhaps you might recognise some of the qualities within? How can you best cultivate the desirable ones, while having self-compassion for the false ones that you might have lived, even as you commit to changing them through recognition and subsequent honouring of yourself enough to live differently?
Traits of the false feminine:
- Sense of victimhood/feeling victimised by life and by others
- Pretense of being weak and powerless (precedes sense of victimhood, needed to prop up/sustain victim perspective), often used manipulatively in an unconscious way
- Reacting immediately to unwanted stimuli as if life is happening against rather than for self, reacting from a place of “smallness” and “helplessness”
- “Storying” events mentally (creating stories to back up above perspectives), rather than engaging authentically with the feelings of the heart
- Seeing life as oppositional rather than supportive
- Seeing self as being at the mercy of life, rather than being the creator of one’s circumstances
- Belief that life is out to suppress or oppress self in some way
- Need to prove self or justify
- The desire to “take back” speech, perspectives, opinions
- Staying small in order to avoid possible rejection or disapproval
- Lack of trust in others (due to lack of trust in self)
- Lack of true intimacy with others (due to lack of intimacy with self)
- Repression of true emotions such as passion, love and joy in their visible, outward expresion
- The pathological need to “get others on side”, rallying the tribe to support us in our positionality (note: this is distinctly different to authentically seeking support)
- Creating “bonding” through toxic means such as gossiping, bonding over patterns of self-destructiveness, limitation and trauma
- Continous pointing out of the flaws of others as a means of deflecting from perceived flaws of self
- Unable to authentically acknowledge the contributions, gifts and achievements of others due to lack consciousness
- Addicted to drama
- Unable to admit mistakes due to low self-worth
- Inability or refusal to apologise where appropriate – “false pride”/bravado centered around identity consciousness
- Need to fix, save and rescue
- Poor sense of authentic self, often leading to imitation or copying of others
- Poor boundaries
- Abandoning of self to nurture or support others
Deep down, we know these qualities are not the True Self… and this, our response to life from this place of falseness, not circumstances or events, is the cause of deep hurt and feelings of shame and low self-worth.
I believe we innately know when we are not perceiving and engaging life from wholeness, and that this is the root of our “bad feelings”. We innately know our divinity, even if is not fully within our conscious awareness. It’s tempting to project these feelings on to some outside source (ie. he/she it “made me feel bad”), yet true empowerment can only come through radical self-responsibility and full ownership of our own experience. It’s far easier to bypass, deflect and project, but it never leads anywhere except to ultimate self-diminshment.
Traits of the True feminine:
- Deep trust in life, a feeling of safety due to being grounded in self
- Sense of dignified self containment and sufficiency
- Being deeply Home for the Self, rooted in internal fulfillment
- Self-worth, self-acknowledgement, self-acceptance, self-love, self-appreciation, self-respect, self-valuing, self-honouring, self-seeing, self-compassion and self-understanding
- Confidence and poise
- Emotional, mental, spiritual & physical sovereignty
- Knowing that life is supportive
- Taking full responsibility for creation of own circumstances and qualities of one’s own journey
- Taking full responsibility for one’s own feelings, knowing that others cannot “make us feel” anything
- Openly acknowledges own shortcomings from a place of self-love, acceptance and inherent dignity
- Openness to growth and continuous opportunities for delighted evolution and learning
- Able to connect authentically with the feelings of the heart
- Compassionate understanding and embrace of all life, while simultaneously having strong boundaries
- Desire to lift others up, knowing there is more than enough for everyone – abundance consciousness
- Collaboration vs competition
- Knows how to seek support when appropriate
- Bonding through genuine intimacy – unrelated to toxic belief systems and trauma patterning
- Clear articulation of own viewpoint, without judgement of self
- Ability to express oneself freely in all ways, unhindered by internal or perceived external obstacles
- Knows how to “hold space” – avoids over-helping
- Content in not needing to be understood
- The absence of judgement of life and of the infinite varieties of diverse expressions of existence
- Holding oneself accountable to live one’s own highest potential in the moment from a place of reverence for self and for life
The True Feminine comes up from deep, rising from beneath the mentally-oriented (masculine) surface layer of our being when we are deeply connected to ourselves, and deeply rooted in our inner reality…
The surface layer that is disconnected from the depths of being is synonymous with the false feminine. It is the feminine “personality” composed of coping and defences mechanisms and belief systems of separation and helplessness that we’ve used for survival throughout many ages. It is that part that we innately know is not the real us, and that causes us so much grief in our interactions.
Beneath that is the true feminine… to reach her, we must go deeper, deeper into intimacy with Self, deeper into openness to own true being, to self-love and honouring and the willingness to be seen by ourselves first and foremost, the willingness to reveal her – the Goddess within – to our own eyes. When we become comfortable there ourselves, we may then take her gently out into the world with us as we feel ready to do so, allowing her little by little to be unveiled to others as well.
When we’re too much in the head, disconnected from our body and feelings, everything is automatically interpreted from the distortion of the false feminine who believes heself separate from life and from others – from separation consciousness. Only the heart can know Oneness. We must go deeper into our own heart and to our bodies to find the truth of our Goddess nature. That may mean walking through the fires of initation to get there (which often cloak themselves in the guise of our pain), but go we must…
“Emotionality” (head-based emotion) vs True Emotion
“Emotionality” = head-based emotion, coming from the surface layer of experience that is not deeply rooted in our authentic inner experience, and disconnected from the Real Self, typically disconnected from the body too (disembodied). This is an example of the way that the false feminine expresses itself.
True emotion (connected to self) and feelings that are stemming from authentic presence within and not from a surface-level personality are part of the qualities of the True Feminine. It’s worthwhile distinguishing the difference between these in your own experience. Learning to express from true emotion only, or as much as possible (at least with awareness of where emotionality slips in) will radically revolutionise all your relationships, and dramatically increase your sense of self-worth!
How to access the true feminine
The True Feminine is accessed deep within our being, actually beneath the places where we judge, condemn, dismiss and deny ourselves. Deep beneath those places where we feel ourselves to be so unacceptable she is hiding, waiting for us to unearth her.
The shipwreck of the soul…
The places where we feel so low because we know on a deep level we’re not living the truth of who we are, the places where we have abandoned ourselves, where we have deemed parts of our own being too ugly to be seen even by our own eyes, too unlovable to be embraced in our loving and unconditional presence, are exactly the places where we will find her.
This is incredibly good news, because it means that we don’t have to be anything other than exactly what we are right now to tap into this mighty power that is our true nature… we don’t have to reach some mythical place of “arrival” that might feel so out of reach from where we’re standing before being allowed to claim our authentic divinity. No dear Sister (or Brother); that “having to earn our birthright” piece is part of the old paradigm that dies today. Let it be gone. It is no more. And so it is done.
The trick is thus…
Go beneath the false emotions… Come home to Self, authentically acknowledge your true feelings in this moment, whatever they may be. Stay with yourself, offering yourself the priceless gift of your own presence without leaving. Dive deep beneath the surface layers, follow the golden thread of whatever is there for you right to its core… it will eventually, with perseverence, lead to the True… unleashing the True from beneath any apparent wounding or distortion. Go beneath, you innately know how. Sink beneath the waves and there you will find what you are looking for.
The surface level is actually your portal “through” to the Goddess you are seeking. We are not seeking to abandon or bypass it or to find something better, but to stay home and go through – like plunging into the ocean of your own vastness, and trusting that you know how to breathe, because this is your natural territory. You will not drown. The feminine is home here; it’s perhaps just been a little while.
The bottom line…
We call each other up to a higher level when we refuse to stand for lower in our mothers, sisters, friends, colleagues, clients, daughters and all others, where and as appropriate. When we invite our loved ones to step up to the True Self and to hold ourselves to the same standards, we create a better world where the Goddess returns to her rightful place.
But be compassionate with self and others, because oftentimes we come to the True Feminine via the false. Each will emerge into the light of day in their own time. Patience, gentleness and perseverence will yield surprising results.
Here is a poem I wrote in 2014 about my own experience of this whole process, I hope it inspires you to reclaim the Queen of your own life.
Around my heart was built a fortress
Of granite, with reinforcements of steel;
To keep out all the wandering pilgrims
Lest they my deepest fear reveal;
That I am loved so tenderly,
Such a fearsome beast as I,
Such a cruel and twisted creature
So loathed in the mirror of my own eye.
Could I be loved and if I could,
What treasures must I surrender?
Unto what host would I give my castle,
My castle of knowledge in the sky?
What host would occupy its annals
Stacked on the shelves of my libraries?
To whom would I give up all these treasures
To which I cling so desperately?
All the knowledge of my kingdom
Was the knowledge of my own demise.
Was the knowing of my ill-fated,
fatally destined, self-denial.
In the dungeon of my castle
Had I confined the Queen of my life,
Condemned here to wait in vain for me there
While I toiled away in wretched strife.
While I cast myself adrift aboard a raf
composed of memory;
While I banged on the door or her Castle,
When in my hand I held the key.
By Ciara Young